Food for thought…
“Rule of Thumb: Dont cry over anyone who wont cry over you…” – Rev. Run
It is a brand new year, A BRAND NEW YEAR - Although, I have said it a million times over… Changing ways that you are accustomed to is hard, no matter how simple the task might be, BUT IT IS NOT IMPOSSIBLE.
I am learning not to sweat the small stuff. To those who know me well, you know I usually think the worst-case-scenario – and more naturally, I was a pessimist.
The next time you want to cry about something, stop to think about it, just for a split second? Would this person cry for you? Maybe, it is easier said than done… But, you will never know until you try.
REMINDER TO SELF: It is a brand new year – do not repeat last year’s mistakes.
Now.
I am back and once again putting myself out in the open… Reinventing myself, and rising to the challenge.
Here’s the challenge, as odd as it might sound, I’ve lost myself in my new life.
I went from being a consumed in myself and my life, to giving it all up to raise and mould a new addition to the world.
Many things that I would turn to for solace, I have extended to motherhood.
It may take one to know one, from a mother to mother, to fully comprehend the energy it takes in raising a child, but I know that I am not alone.
I know and understand now, that I cannot and will not ever be comfortable. I will not rest on laurels. When my son, Jacob, learns something new, I must also learn something new.
He is a growing boy, most days willing to discover the wonders of his world. This experience does take me back. It teaches me, he teaches me, to appreciate the simplicity of the world.
He finds wonder in a light shining brightly, where as I see just a light to brighten a room.
He becomes ecstatic to hearing new sounds, or making these sounds himself.
Before I was a mother, I knew nothing of this amazing thing called parenthood.
Sure, there are still a million and one things that I would’ve, should’ve or could’ve done differently – but I revel in these moments.
Being a mom, and watching him grow, in these timeless moments… I get lost in them, and sometimes forget that the world around me exists.
It is unbelievable, such a feeling. Jacob is part of me. As he grows, I see myself in him and his father in him, traits both good and bad in him. Like his mother, he is impatient and wild. And still amazing… Like his father, he must make noise, almost at all times. I love quiet, however – my life is no longer quiet, yet still amazing. They are the music that sounds my life.
It is rare that I have time for myself these days. And to be truthful, most days I don’t mind. There are better days than others. Even when I do need time to myself, or Jacob is away, I feel some sort of emptiness.
Now, – I am a mother, first and foremost, and growing, still growing. I strive to be a better me, each and every day, while still battling my everyday life.
I continue to mend from the events of my past, and will to a better future. Moulding, both myself and my son, to be the best that we can be.
The little boy that turns my world upside-down.
Protected: Things that I cannot say…
Protected: OMG!!!
One of my favourites – “The Nap Taker”
The nap — took — me
Off the bed and out the window
Far beyond the sea,
To a land where sleepy heads
Read only comic books
And lock their naps in iron safes
So that they can’t get took.
And soon as I came to that land,
I also came to grief.
The people pointed at me, shouting,
“Where’s the nap, you thief?”
They took me to the courthouse.
The judge put on his cap.
He said, “My child, you are on trial
For taking someone’s nap.
“Yes, all you selfish children,
You think just of yourselves
And don’t care if the nap you take
Belongs to someone else.
It happens that the nap you took
Without a thought or care
Belongs to Bonnie Bowlingbrook,
Who’s sittin’ cryin’ there.
“She hasn’t slept in quite some time–
Just see her eyelids flap.
She’s tired drowsy — cranky too,
‘Cause guess who took her nap?”
The jury cried, “You’re guilty, yes,
You’re guilty as can be,
But just return the nap took
And we might set you free.”
“I did not take that nap,” I cried,
“I give my solemn vow,
And if I took it by mistake
I do not have it now.”
“Oh fiddle-fudge,” cried out the judge,
Your record looks quite sour.
Last night I see you stole a kiss,
Last week you took a shower,
“You beat your eggs, you’ve whipped your cream,
At work you punched the clock,
You’ve even killed an hour or two,
We’ve heard you darn your socks,
We know you shot a basketball,
You’ve stolen second base,
And we can see you’re guilty
From the sleep that’s on your face.
“Go lie down on your blanket now
And cry your guilty tears.
I sentence you to one long nap
For ninety million years.
And when the other children see
This nap that never ends,
No child will ever dare to take
Somebody’s nap again.”
-Shel Silverstein
if you could, would you? (written sometime in 2006)
you could start over again, would you? Again, in a sense, even if you knew in advance that you would end up in the same place? Or, if you knew that you would have to sacrifice something or someone that you cannot do w/o today? Change is inevitable, yes? I am someone who is confident and yet, fears change – even the most miniscule. Regret is a small word that carries a definition so large that it ruins lives. That, though, isn’t what this is about. It’s not about regret at all. Sometimes I forget that I am in total control of my life, and that all decisions are my own. There are a million-and-one aspects of life that I do wish that I could trade in, hoping to be dealt a better hand – but, if that would deny me who I am now, ( aside from all the faults and errs that I have succumbed to ) I’d better pass. Promises are so hopeful, that’s exactly what they entitle. If you could promise all the things that you promised in your life – could you say that you’ve fulfilled every expectation? Hopes, dreams and expectations are grand..I don’t know how I manage to forget that allowing empty words fill my heart with misguidance. I haven’t lived up to do everything that I’ve promised and I deeply apologize. But, if you could do it again, would you? My mother always told me that “if you don’t like it change it, and if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.”
Living and learning are not one in the same, but are synonymous in ways of experience. Trial and error seems to always be it for me, because when you get to a fork in the road where your almost forced into decision, most times, you realize the predicament to being as close to the last, if you’ve ever even been there before..depending on your realization it brought you to, as long as you don’t do it twice. A mistake isn’t a mistake until you do it twice, the first one’s just a lesson. I wouldn’t even call the second one a warning. It’s just a mistake. If I could… I guess not, I wouldn’t do anything different. Emotion and ego do, sometimes, get the best of me – it’s just, it wouldn’t be as fun to do anything again if you’ve already learned the feelings it brings (considering that you’ve already been there). It’s fair enough to say that I’ve learned to laugh at myself and the things that I’ve done or not done. And I sit, wait, and ponder until the challenge arrives. Life isn’t a paper, on the verge of sounding cliche, but, think about it. Wouldn’t it be great to go through things again? Example, not give the best of yourself to others when they’d doubt you in the end? Hurt you in the end? Actually, no, I would’ve missed out on some lessons for massive self-growth. After all, I’m not who I was a year or so before. Here’s the cliche, (sucks to call it that, but it’s true) you live and you learn. Just don’t forget to accept it, or…just learn to laugh at it. Most of all, learn to love yourself and life, the way it is. Unless you’re really willing to change everything you see unfit for its place or even that and those that you may depise. I wouldn’t…
Under that same thought, is this a belief that someone would forever be there to tolerate all that they stand against? Or, all that they are?
I try my hardest everyday to appreciate what and who matters to me by living life not expecting anyone or anything to be there tomorrow, as if anything can happen.
And I believe that I have showed and given every sense of definition of the importance to those that I cherish.
Here I stand, wondering why?
Am I to wait for the moment that indifference occupies me?
tired
Dammit popcorn! April 23, 2009
Today almost went perfect – until someone decided to make popcorn at work. I still can’t manage the smell of microwave popcorn. No matter what, I can’t seem to shake the feeling when that smell is around. I was so close to finishing my shift. Half an hour before the end of the shift and I’m running to the washroom to throw up. I’m getting more and more restless as I wait for you. You kept me up last night, I barely slept. Clearly, you and I are on different sleep patterns. When I’m ready to sleep, you are ready to party like its 1999! The kicks to the bladder? Yes, mastered, but nowhere as active as you get when I flush the toilet, you go absolutely nuts!
Good night!
Move it, baby! April 20, 2009
Yesterday was rather unusual – for the first time I panicked. I didn’t feel you move for a few hours. I’m guessing you were nice, comfy and asleep. I needed to feel you move, but your dad kept telling me to leave you alone! I wanted to do jumping jacks or something?! The day before I was getting nervous that you were coming soon, and I was almost wishing that you weren’t going to come out because of all the scary things that can happen…
Crisanto is definitely in a better place, where he can be happy and be in completely safe… I’m sure that you and Crisanto would have caused havoc to everyone and everything around. I just can’t help but worry about everything can possibly happen. The “what if” game isn’t even worth thinking about now, unless I want to cry. I’m sure all my emotions are just snow balling and I have to understand that things will happen. I can’t wait to play with you, laugh with you – or even just meet you! 7 weeks or less to go! I can’t wait!
